Have decided to move on from the death of my Ubervamp, heart-breaking as it still is. The memorial page has provided some sense of closure, since obviously funeral was not possible for the medium-sized pile of dust.
Despite some feelings of apathy - don't really feel like moving against the Slayer again till, say, Tuesday - the surviving Bringers and I have had a brainstorming session to weigh up our options.
- Using the seal to raise a mighty Turok-Han army (note: why did we not do this in the first place? Maybe as I was taking Buffy's form so much, therefore getting distracted by shirtless Spike; also pretty shiny lights, expensive shoes and whether I could balance things on my forehead) Pros: one Ubervamp kicked Buffy's ass. Hundreds would annihilate her. Go us! Also, no shortage of sacrificial victims in the high school. Cons: house-training the army could take up valuable time. The seal has been covered again, though surely some of the high school kids are capable of working a shovel. Could appear to them in the form a much-respected historical figure, such as Abraham Lincoln or Kurt Cobain.
- Removing Angel's soul to send him evil. Pros: evil Angel much more interesting. Takes one souled vampire out of the equation. Cons: main available happiness-giving female shacked up with his son. Angelus a wildcard: v. unlikely to side with the Slayer but just dumb enough not to join my team. Leather pants an additional drain on expenses.
- Using subliminal messages in rock music to create a mighty army of teenagers. Pros: unlike my hypothetical Turok-Han army, they could move in daylight. Cons: but would just stay in bed.
- Forging a mighty ring of power Pros: tasteful jewellery both decorative and attractive. Cons: Lawsuit last thing we need.
Almost too upset to update. The Sunnydale Minion Murderer has callously slaughtered my Turok-Han.
What did poor Ubie ever do to her? Aside from kicking her ass and trying to kill all her friends, obviously. But so did Spike and he gets love and cuddles! Not that I expected her to cuddle my Ubervamp, despite his little crush on her and her known necrophiliac habits. But to poke out his eye (why didn't you keep those sunglasses on, why?) and cut his head off with a wire was just uncalled for.
And they were talking in their heads! That's cheating!
Now I have no-one to go to Lloyd's costume party with. Don't want to go alone in case he thinks I am desperate, but the Harbingers are no good at dressing as anything but Harbingers and Andrew has wormed his way into the Slayer's little club of hangers-on. Ubervamp was so looking forward to his first party - we were going to go as Sonny and Cher.
Me as Sonny, obviously. Other way round would look silly.
Even more pissed off at the Slayer than usual. Not only does she kill my very favorite minion but she steals my vampire (though frankly at least the poetry is now gone from my lair), all the while tripping on her cheery way and somehow cramming yet more nubile young women into her house. Just wait till social services investigate my anonymous tip that the resident of 1630 Revello Drive is running a brothel, then we'll see who's all clever quips and flippy hair.
From: Lloyd@arashmahar.com To: firstevildarknessfears@hotmail.com Subject: Hi
Hi! You probably don't remember me, but we met at the office New Years/Christmas/Kwanzaa/Biannual Feast of the Eight Armed Soul Stealer/Hannukah/Solstice party. I was just wondering if you're coming to the celebration of the Night of Blood and Carnage on February 5th. Since you're responsible for the creation of the holiday I'm sure you'd be an honored guest! You can bring a friend, of course.
Looking forward to seeing you again Lloyd Ps - costumes are compulsory, not that that should be a problem for you!!!
---
Feeling rather confused now. Is he interested in dating or merely being polite? He was rather drunk; maybe he doesn't remember the party? Not sure if I want a relationship - extremely busy with plans to end the world, also reluctant to get involved with anyone who uses three exclamation points.
Sometimes these journal entries feel so frivolous - naturally do not wish to give away secrets of evil plan, but somehow feel I should occasionally work in the odd reference to Heart of Darkness or The Wizard of Oz and make vague prophetic comments.
How to delete journal entries? How to link to part of a longer post? This is most confusing. Things were simpler back in the Middle Ages, when if you wanted to announce an evil scheme you had a minion massacre the town crier and assumed his form.
Also has gotten difficult to update since the Ubervamp ate part of the mouse.
Last night’s corporate outing went well, I thought. Left four of the Bringers playing pin-the-cross-on-the-vampire (this was pre today’s brain-curdling poetry slam) and took the rest of the Harbingers plus my Ubervamp to see Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers. And they got in free because the ticket-person thought they were in costume! Or possibly because the Turok-Han growled a lot. He did get some v. strange looks – maybe should dress him in something other than a loincloth when taking him out in public?
Movie excellent, despite thoroughly depressing “good will triumph over evil” message. My minions were all most upset that just when a triumphant ending was in sight for the orc army, defeat was snatched from the jaws of victory. This has somewhat demoralised them: possibly a team bonding exercise is in order? Later we can all play Pictionary, if Spike ever shuts up.
Still bitter about the Uruk-hai/Turok-Han issue, but received this e-mail from my attorney:
From: l.morgan@wolframhart.org To: firstevildarknessfears@hotmail.com Subject: Re: copyright query
Apologies for the tardiness of this reply: you may be aware of a minor apocalypse occurring in Los Angeles that has unfortunately caught us off guard. No need for you to worry, however – as always, you are one of our most valued clients and we’ll be happy to pursue this case for you if you decide to take it further.
I’d like to add a word of caution, though: we had one client involved in an action against the Tolkien estate over the character Gollum (also called Smeagol) who he claimed was based on him. He had a strong case, but some months ago vanished while on a business trip to Sunnydale. He was eventually found brutally murdered in a cave – his eyes had been gouged out, probably with someone’s thumbs. Just to let you know that these people are mean about their copyright issues.
Contact me if you want to take this any further Sincerely L. Morgan
This Tolkien person's lawyers must be even more evil than mine. Eyes gouged out? Doesn’t bother me or my harbingers, but the Turok-Han has taken to wearing sunglasses since reading that mail. Maybe will let the copyright thing slide just this once.
Attempts to reprogram Spike went horribly, horribly wrong.
No sooner had I started to sing that song about the ballet-dancing girl who won’t date a boy who likes skating (English folksongs so outdated) when he interrupted. So taken aback that I stopped, allowing him to jump in with “forget the singing, love. Want to hear a poem? I wrote it myself.”
Now he just won’t stop. I’d gag him, but none of the harbingers will go close enough. Why did I not try to develop telekinesis over the millenia, rather than focus on useless hobbies like soccer? Almost hoping for the Slayer to rescue him.
Disappointing lack of response to my "Help Wanted" Advertisement in the Evil Doers Digest.
Minion Wanted
Post available in lowly evil position, working as part of plot to crush the Slayer line and bring about total apocalypse. Be a part of the original evil firm and kick the Slayer's ass! Also some torturing of shirtless souled vampires. Non-smoker preferred. No time wasters.
One measly response. One. And from a vampire, who kept banging on about the dumb blonde chick who sired and dumped him. He looks strangely like my ex-minion Andrew, who is the whole reason there was a vacancy in the first place. Possibly Andrew has been turned?
No, Andrew still tied up at the Casa de Slayer. That carpenter keeps checking to make sure the ropes are tight enough. Quite insulted - with their greatest enemy of all time (ie me) on their backs, they're more concerned with bondage fun.
With all quiet on the Slayer front (why is busiest day Tuesday? Must look into this further), decided on a jaunt down to LA to see how my Beast's doing with the other, non-tortured souled vampire. Well, I thought non-tortured. Turns out his new squeeze is having it away with his son! And he saw the whole thing! What is this, As the Hellmouth Turns?
Most disappointed with the news that Cordelia is shagging sulky, hobbit-like Angel Junior rather than giving perfect happiness moment to senior version, as the soulless version is enjoyably evil - also has fashion sense.
Beast was sulking as he feels his role has no depth other than "grr" and occasional evil laugh. Suspect he has been ad-libbing when he was told when he applied for the job that it was a non-speaking part. Damn Demon Academy of Dramatic Arts graduates, they all think they should be playing Henry V.
Also, is it me or has time gone funny? Could have sworn it was mid-November, now is 2003!
Disaster! Total failure to get Andrew back onside.
"Okay, nice try," he said, before I could manage more than booming "I have a trying quest for you, young human." "I know you're this mega-evil thing. And what's with the getup? I thought you could only, like, be dead people. Sir Ian McKellen isn't dead." Then he looked frightened and squeaked "oh god, he isn't, is he?" and went off to find the burly carpenter type or the fluffy, award-stealing witch to ensure that this McKellen person lives.
Trying to clear up this minor confusion by pointing out that I was in fact the most powerful sorcerer in Middle Earth only made things worse, as he pointed out "you're going on the assumption that Gandalf died on the bridge of Khazad-Dum, when he actually defeated the Balroc and was reborn as Gandalf the White. I haven’t seen the new movie, but Xander says if I'm really good and don't stab anyone else he'll take me this weekend. Or, you know, after Buffy kicks your ass."
So, not only have completely lost respect of ex-minion, am now spoiled for Two Towers! Gah!
Damn his nerd logic for foiling me. Pity Spike didn't drain him like he was supposed to. Wonder if my little tune still works? Poss. time for rebrainwashing of souled vampire.
