For the record...
(This is an evil public service announcement: if you missed the ad yesterday at TWOP, please ignore this entry as it will make as much sense as Molly's accent. Thank you.)
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Finale
No recent entries, since have been feeling oddly out of the loop in own apocalypse. Even Tuesday's attempt to get in a spot of Slayer-taunting fell flat - planned to put in another appearance as one of the ex-SITs (or possibly Jim Morrison), but Buffy's band of bores evidently discovered my deep-rooted fear of puppets. Damn them.
On the plus side, Spike is wearing the coat again. Must promote the Harbinger who daringly invaded the Summers stronghold to retrieve it and bring it to the basement. At least, assume that was what happened, since was sure the coat was last seen in hands of burly carpenter-type.
Hate my minions. The Beast seems to be deliberately ignoring his voicemail. LA sources have whsipers of him aligning to some new power. Even gave away the knife I gave him for Christmas. Okay, was unwanted present from Dave the Harbinger two years ago, but no need to be impolite.
Anyway, have shaken myself out of recent funk. There's a brand, spanking new plan - and this is to be last entry in the chronicle of an evil being. It's been a rollercoaster couple of months, from the dizzying highs of days spent simply watching Spike with his shirt off, to the lows of endlessly having to replace minions after Slayer ass-whuppings. But from now on my dealings will be private, intensely secretive and mindbogglingly evil. The First is Back on Top. Past year has been tough - the traumatic breakup with Lloyd, the death of poor Ubie, that damn SIT with the faux English accent who refuses to impale herself on something large and sharp. But as the most powerful entity in the 'verse, I can rise above it all.
I will prevail. Oh yes. I will prevail.
***
Stepping out of character for a second.
It's been a blast writing this the last few months, but the time's come to call it quits. I'm not in the US and while up to now I've been getting by on the wildfeeds, I'm going - gasp - spoiler free. I have no idea when I'll see the new episodes, and it seems silly to write a FE journal when I have no idea what the First is up to in the show.
Huge thanks to everyone who read it, commented, mailed me or friended me (as I write this it stands at 1050... wow). You guys rock. And check out
sunnydale_socks for the journals of just about everybody else, written by some hugely talented people.
On the plus side, Spike is wearing the coat again. Must promote the Harbinger who daringly invaded the Summers stronghold to retrieve it and bring it to the basement. At least, assume that was what happened, since was sure the coat was last seen in hands of burly carpenter-type.
Hate my minions. The Beast seems to be deliberately ignoring his voicemail. LA sources have whsipers of him aligning to some new power. Even gave away the knife I gave him for Christmas. Okay, was unwanted present from Dave the Harbinger two years ago, but no need to be impolite.
Anyway, have shaken myself out of recent funk. There's a brand, spanking new plan - and this is to be last entry in the chronicle of an evil being. It's been a rollercoaster couple of months, from the dizzying highs of days spent simply watching Spike with his shirt off, to the lows of endlessly having to replace minions after Slayer ass-whuppings. But from now on my dealings will be private, intensely secretive and mindbogglingly evil. The First is Back on Top. Past year has been tough - the traumatic breakup with Lloyd, the death of poor Ubie, that damn SIT with the faux English accent who refuses to impale herself on something large and sharp. But as the most powerful entity in the 'verse, I can rise above it all.
I will prevail. Oh yes. I will prevail.
***
Stepping out of character for a second.
It's been a blast writing this the last few months, but the time's come to call it quits. I'm not in the US and while up to now I've been getting by on the wildfeeds, I'm going - gasp - spoiler free. I have no idea when I'll see the new episodes, and it seems silly to write a FE journal when I have no idea what the First is up to in the show.
Huge thanks to everyone who read it, commented, mailed me or friended me (as I write this it stands at 1050... wow). You guys rock. And check out
sunnydale_socks for the journals of just about everybody else, written by some hugely talented people.Bah, Humbug
Why did I ever come up with Valentine's Day? It's only fun to depress people without significant others when they're not me. Even Buffy's pathetic little crew are all loved-up and snuggly. Should have invented a holiday centred around being mean to small animals or bleached blondes.
Not having a good week. Can't even decide if I want Spike dead or not. Crawly little what's-his-name seems to have grown a pair (dammit) and couldn't even shoot a few measly whining teens for his ex-employer, who cared for him and... did other things not to be mentioned ever again. On the plus side, may have new minion in form of hot high-school principal - yes! Though going by recent run of luck, gentle pointing-in-direction-of-Spike will lead to tragic staking of Billy Idol, since my minions tend not to be v. intelligent.
Also, who's been playing with my Seal? (Danzalthar one, not mildly popular singer of "Kiss From a Rose")
Not having a good week. Can't even decide if I want Spike dead or not. Crawly little what's-his-name seems to have grown a pair (dammit) and couldn't even shoot a few measly whining teens for his ex-employer, who cared for him and... did other things not to be mentioned ever again. On the plus side, may have new minion in form of hot high-school principal - yes! Though going by recent run of luck, gentle pointing-in-direction-of-Spike will lead to tragic staking of Billy Idol, since my minions tend not to be v. intelligent.
Also, who's been playing with my Seal? (Danzalthar one, not mildly popular singer of "Kiss From a Rose")
Hmph.
How evil are you?
Also, was correct in assuming Angel(us) never received the "Rockin' the Crypt: Best of Spike and Buffy's Sex Life" DVD I sent. Suspect was swiped by either green-skinned ambiguous demon (looks like he might have porn habit) or mopey hell-spawn (needs desperately to get porn habit).
Insult upon injury
After horrible party events - still too painful to discuss - have finally got Tuesday night status report from Harbinger (since rest were apparently pitching their Chicago act to Simon Cowell et al).
Not only does
red_witch steal my top evil award for last year, but she seems to be making an early bid for THIS year's prize. How dare she muscle in on my shapeshifting gig! I thought of it first! There's a reason I'm not the hundred and fifth evil (besides obvious problems of printing business cards etc).
So far her repertoire seems limited to geeky ex-minion's geeky skinned boyfriend, but this is undoubtably just tip of morphing iceberg. She could be up to Spike-torturing by the end of the week. Damn her.
I don't see what's so great about skinning Warren, anyway. Certainly don't see why Lloyd would have a sketch of it on his office wall. Signed. With "Love and evilness, Willow!" and a cross. I could have skinned the geek, but the Bringers were SIT-hunting in Europe that week, and just didn't have enough frequent flyer miles to bring one back.
Said I wasn't going to talk about it. Anyway. Maybe trip to LA would cheer me up? I hear Angelus is on the loose. No doubt he'd welcome news of what his ex-Slayer's been up to with her new vampy boy toy.
Must pack some leather pants, just in case soulboy's little gang have heartlessly failed to provide them.
Not only does
red_witch steal my top evil award for last year, but she seems to be making an early bid for THIS year's prize. How dare she muscle in on my shapeshifting gig! I thought of it first! There's a reason I'm not the hundred and fifth evil (besides obvious problems of printing business cards etc).So far her repertoire seems limited to geeky ex-minion's geeky skinned boyfriend, but this is undoubtably just tip of morphing iceberg. She could be up to Spike-torturing by the end of the week. Damn her.
I don't see what's so great about skinning Warren, anyway. Certainly don't see why Lloyd would have a sketch of it on his office wall. Signed. With "Love and evilness, Willow!" and a cross. I could have skinned the geek, but the Bringers were SIT-hunting in Europe that week, and just didn't have enough frequent flyer miles to bring one back.
Said I wasn't going to talk about it. Anyway. Maybe trip to LA would cheer me up? I hear Angelus is on the loose. No doubt he'd welcome news of what his ex-Slayer's been up to with her new vampy boy toy.
Must pack some leather pants, just in case soulboy's little gang have heartlessly failed to provide them.
Employer/minion communication breakdown
Quick update as I'm terribly busy choosing who to wear for the costume party at Lloyd's office tonight. And, err, ending the slayer line and bringing about hell on earth. Obviously.
Trouble with the staff, again. If they didn't feel they were being paid enough, why didn't they ask for a raise? (Apart from likelihood of painful evisceration). So embarrassing to find minions moonlighting (sunlighting) as home ec. teachers, school bus drivers etc. And Dave the Harbinger claims he wants to give up minioning as he actually prefers his day job on the school construction site. Suppose I could let that one slide, since could use him to keep an eye on the Handyscooby, if he ever gets his ass back to work.
Trouble with the staff, again. If they didn't feel they were being paid enough, why didn't they ask for a raise? (Apart from likelihood of painful evisceration). So embarrassing to find minions moonlighting (sunlighting) as home ec. teachers, school bus drivers etc. And Dave the Harbinger claims he wants to give up minioning as he actually prefers his day job on the school construction site. Suppose I could let that one slide, since could use him to keep an eye on the Handyscooby, if he ever gets his ass back to work.
Question Time
Have decided to take time out from regularly scheduled minion-training to answer some questions asked many, many times in the comments. Well, several times. Once. Maybe.
Questions Frequently Put to the First
How do you type if you're, y'know, incorporeal and all?
Insist on all Bringers being trained secretaries, since always in need of memos, e-mails etc in this modern, modem-wacky world. Also, great advantage to having the cream of Microsoft's research & development division at my disposal - incorporeal keyboard-and-mouse combo great boon.
If you're so bent on destroying the world, how do you find time to update?
Key to evil domination is excellent management structure. Also the Second-through-20345th Evil can handle most minor quibbles that may arise.
Where were you when JFK was shot?
On grassy knoll, wondering if Harbinger would have been more accurate shot without his eyes sewn shut.
Are you responsible for the cancellation of Firefly?
That cowboy space thing? No! I liked that show. The captain was strangely attractive, for a non-souled-vampire.
How many minions do you have, and why don't you run out when Buffy and co are slaughtering countless Harbingers every week?
Minion out-placement programs excellent resource.
What color is your toothbrush?
The First Evil does not have plaque. The First Evil is the cause of plaque in others.
Are you responsible for the events in LA?
Even I'm not sure anymore.
Right, that's enough questions - two of the Bringers just tripped over the dummy SIT they're supposed to be practise-stabbing. It never ends.
Questions Frequently Put to the First
How do you type if you're, y'know, incorporeal and all?
Insist on all Bringers being trained secretaries, since always in need of memos, e-mails etc in this modern, modem-wacky world. Also, great advantage to having the cream of Microsoft's research & development division at my disposal - incorporeal keyboard-and-mouse combo great boon.
If you're so bent on destroying the world, how do you find time to update?
Key to evil domination is excellent management structure. Also the Second-through-20345th Evil can handle most minor quibbles that may arise.
Where were you when JFK was shot?
On grassy knoll, wondering if Harbinger would have been more accurate shot without his eyes sewn shut.
Are you responsible for the cancellation of Firefly?
That cowboy space thing? No! I liked that show. The captain was strangely attractive, for a non-souled-vampire.
How many minions do you have, and why don't you run out when Buffy and co are slaughtering countless Harbingers every week?
Minion out-placement programs excellent resource.
What color is your toothbrush?
The First Evil does not have plaque. The First Evil is the cause of plaque in others.
Are you responsible for the events in LA?
Even I'm not sure anymore.
Right, that's enough questions - two of the Bringers just tripped over the dummy SIT they're supposed to be practise-stabbing. It never ends.
All singing, all annoying
All right, who put Prozac in the Harbingers' feeding bowls? Am extremely busy with secret evil schemes, can't afford to be distracted by very noisy all-Bringer version of "Chicago" currently being performed two caves away. Definitely not going to give in to their requests to bring that singing-and-dancing demon back, as my minions have done quite enough baring of inner feelings (among other things) in past week. Also, don't want to watch the SIT hoards form a chorus line. Unless Dawn cracks and kills them all in a last-ditch bid for attention?
Maybe will keep the musical extravaganza for a back-up plan.
Also, several commenters have queried the Lloyd situation. Evil does not kiss and tell, unless ex-president Clinton is involved, but you know how it is - working flat-out to exit mortal coil with a bang, things can get lonely, especially when pet vampires get inconveniently killed/rescued. Nice to find someone who understands, and who appreciates the complexity and beauty of pure evil. Besides, have always found antlers quite sexy on a demon.
Maybe will keep the musical extravaganza for a back-up plan.
Also, several commenters have queried the Lloyd situation. Evil does not kiss and tell, unless ex-president Clinton is involved, but you know how it is - working flat-out to exit mortal coil with a bang, things can get lonely, especially when pet vampires get inconveniently killed/rescued. Nice to find someone who understands, and who appreciates the complexity and beauty of pure evil. Besides, have always found antlers quite sexy on a demon.
Sweet memories
Harbingers a bit worse for wear today, as last night saw their post-rehab booze-up in The Bronze (since Deathbringer the Harbinger was banned from Willy's for cheating at kitten poker - Willy on list to be first up against the wall when Apocalypse comes).
Decided to hold off on my Slayer-inspired Harbinger bootcamp idea for a day or so: meanwhile, updated my memories. Good times.
Decided to hold off on my Slayer-inspired Harbinger bootcamp idea for a day or so: meanwhile, updated my memories. Good times.
LA Way
What with all the "excitement" - using term loosely - of Tuesday night and travelling to the clinic to collect the Harbingers (suspect annoying amount of hugging, growing and sharing went on in my absence: not healthy), had completely forgotten to check in on developments LA-wise. Luckily my Beast thought to send status report.
**
From: ops@dada.org ("Demon Academy of Dramatic Arts")
To: firstevildarknessfears@hotmail.com
Subj: LA Update
Hi there! Just thought that as my employer (thanks again, by the way, I truly appreciate the work), I should give you the "low-down" on what I've been up to this week. You'll be glad to hear that Wolfram and Hart is no more! Yep, I killed 'em all good (if you could just overlook some minor zombies, but I'm pretty sure that wasn't my fault). I nearly had that scrawny teen you've been after, too, but thought I should lay off killing him until I hear from you, o mostly-all-knowing one.
Incidentally, I wondered if you could clear up a few questions about my motivation? Right now I'm going for "carnage-causing glee" with a dash of malice and psychopathy on the side, but it'd really help me out. I'm more of a "Method" Beast.
Hope this is what you were after!
Henry ("The Beast")
**
He destroyed W&H? Rats. I meant him to go after that other evil law-firm - the one that used to be on television, with that very skinny girl and the dancing baby. Oh well. Probably should start looking for new attorney. Just as well, since Ms. Morgan seemed to be spending most of her time with Angel's ex-watcher friend. Taking down his briefs, no doubt. So unprofessional when people put their sex lives ahead of their commitment to evil.
Anyway, must go - meeting Lloyd for cocktails at eight.
**
From: ops@dada.org ("Demon Academy of Dramatic Arts")
To: firstevildarknessfears@hotmail.com
Subj: LA Update
Hi there! Just thought that as my employer (thanks again, by the way, I truly appreciate the work), I should give you the "low-down" on what I've been up to this week. You'll be glad to hear that Wolfram and Hart is no more! Yep, I killed 'em all good (if you could just overlook some minor zombies, but I'm pretty sure that wasn't my fault). I nearly had that scrawny teen you've been after, too, but thought I should lay off killing him until I hear from you, o mostly-all-knowing one.
Incidentally, I wondered if you could clear up a few questions about my motivation? Right now I'm going for "carnage-causing glee" with a dash of malice and psychopathy on the side, but it'd really help me out. I'm more of a "Method" Beast.
Hope this is what you were after!
Henry ("The Beast")
**
He destroyed W&H? Rats. I meant him to go after that other evil law-firm - the one that used to be on television, with that very skinny girl and the dancing baby. Oh well. Probably should start looking for new attorney. Just as well, since Ms. Morgan seemed to be spending most of her time with Angel's ex-watcher friend. Taking down his briefs, no doubt. So unprofessional when people put their sex lives ahead of their commitment to evil.
Anyway, must go - meeting Lloyd for cocktails at eight.
