The First ([info]thefirstevil) wrote,
@ 2003-01-30 13:28:00
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Question Time
Have decided to take time out from regularly scheduled minion-training to answer some questions asked many, many times in the comments. Well, several times. Once. Maybe.

Questions Frequently Put to the First

How do you type if you're, y'know, incorporeal and all?
Insist on all Bringers being trained secretaries, since always in need of memos, e-mails etc in this modern, modem-wacky world. Also, great advantage to having the cream of Microsoft's research & development division at my disposal - incorporeal keyboard-and-mouse combo great boon.

If you're so bent on destroying the world, how do you find time to update?
Key to evil domination is excellent management structure. Also the Second-through-20345th Evil can handle most minor quibbles that may arise.

Where were you when JFK was shot?
On grassy knoll, wondering if Harbinger would have been more accurate shot without his eyes sewn shut.

Are you responsible for the cancellation of Firefly?
That cowboy space thing? No! I liked that show. The captain was strangely attractive, for a non-souled-vampire.

How many minions do you have, and why don't you run out when Buffy and co are slaughtering countless Harbingers every week?
Minion out-placement programs excellent resource.

What color is your toothbrush?
The First Evil does not have plaque. The First Evil is the cause of plaque in others.

Are you responsible for the events in LA?
Even I'm not sure anymore.

Right, that's enough questions - two of the Bringers just tripped over the dummy SIT they're supposed to be practise-stabbing. It never ends.

(Post a new comment)


(Anonymous)
2003-01-30 06:02 am UTC (link)
When you first appeared to Willow, as Cassie, you did that weird thing where you essentially swallowed yourself. Do you do that a lot? Does it hurt? Do you concur with her assessment that you taste 'chalky'?

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[info]allah_sulu
2003-01-30 06:02 am UTC (link)
How do you type if you're, y'know, incorporeal and all?

Voice recognition software. Duh.

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[info]violetofthehat
2003-01-30 06:53 am UTC (link)
That SIT dummy you're using better not look like me. If it does, I'll, uh . . . I'll get Buffy to kick your . . . wait.

I'll get back to you on that.

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[info]ragdoll
2003-01-30 07:39 am UTC (link)
"noncorporeal". You obviously don't have grammar check turned on! :)

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[info]thefirstevil
2003-01-30 08:39 am UTC (link)
Well, that's just unpolite...

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Re:
[info]ragdoll
2003-01-30 08:49 am UTC (link)
I know it can't be YOUR fault, oh Great One...one of the Bringers must've messed up. It must be tough to touch type without being able to see the keyboard!

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[info]thefirstevil
2003-01-30 08:57 am UTC (link)
In fairness to my harbingers, I refer you to... the Merriam-Webster entry for "incorporeal"

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Re:
[info]ragdoll
2003-01-30 09:07 am UTC (link)
I stand corrected, oh Great One. It was the Slayer. She made me do it!

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interdimensional relations with incorporeal beings
(Anonymous)
2003-01-30 10:04 pm UTC (link)
Do incorporeal beings ... um ... burn?

from,

definitely anon poster. Nobody you ever heard of. Guaranteed to be a complete stranger - honestly.

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[info]brightone
2003-01-30 07:53 am UTC (link)
Have to ask...
If not responsible for cancellation of Firefly, do you at least claim responsibility for the cancellation of Farscape?
At the very least you MUST be responsible for creating Tremors: The Series and The Dream Team and...*shudder* Crossing over with John Edward?

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[info]dantana
2003-01-30 08:11 am UTC (link)
The captain was strangely attractive, for a non-souled-vampire.


Huh. For some reason, I thought you would have been a Simon girl.

Not that I think about your television watching habits or anything.

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[info]hylandr
2003-01-30 08:33 am UTC (link)
Were you also responsible for last night's Angel looking way too much like the dream season of Dallas?

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[info]troika_andrew
2003-01-30 08:58 am UTC (link)
I still don't know who shot JR...

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[info]holden_vamp
2003-01-30 09:43 am UTC (link)
It was the butler with a candlestick in the study.

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[info]iblis_kukl
2003-01-30 03:34 pm UTC (link)
The major distinction being, the Angel ep at least made sense.

Not to mention, Angelus would make julienne fries out of J.R. Ewing any day of any year of any epoch. Pity we didn't actually get to see him till the very end.

iblis }()+

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When Buffy & Gang are killing your Bringers...
(Anonymous)
2003-01-30 11:04 am UTC (link)
You tend to stay away from Buffy and the Gang because you are afraid, aren't you? Most are. After all, if you notice all those that Buffy and Co have come up against never seem to come at them alone. Fear? I believe so. Evil always seems to need others to help. Even the God Glory needed helpers to face Buffy, but learned in the end that the helpers weren't enough to keep her safe. That goes for The Master, The Mayor and Adam as well just to name a few others. And notice when Buffy catches on that you aren't really who you are pretending to be, you "blink" out. Surprising you fear someone you are suppose to be more powerful than.

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nothing gets me hotter
(Anonymous)
2003-01-30 01:44 pm UTC (link)
nothing gets me hotter than super-efficient, masterfully managed evil. i love you, TFE. can i bear your children?

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[info]immortalslayer
2003-01-30 02:44 pm UTC (link)
aw dammit, I was sure you'd answer my question about dark quickenings.

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How to react?
(Anonymous)
2003-01-30 04:24 pm UTC (link)
As a Microsoft employee, I'm not sure how to react.

a. It's not true! I would know it if Microsoft were evil. Bill Gates never wears leather pants and OUR little girl in the white room wears BLUE!

b. Ahh, so I guess that explains note attached to recent dividend payment: "suggested use: buy another SUV."

c. So, why can't it be ME who gets to flog shirtless Spike?

d. Note to self: need to shave several seconds off fastest time fleeing to toilet paper closet.

e. She blew my cover as a secret minion! How could she do this to me? O, evil one, o, glorious dark master?? (bater)

f. Will never again piss off anyone from building 34.

g. Must decline invitation to MS community outreach program to be held at Redmond cemetery this weekend.

h. It wasn't fake email from Bill last year: "Good work on Code Red! Next time you'll take down the whole internet."

i. I always thought those Internet Explorer guys were coding with their eyes stitched shut.


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Re: How to react?
(Anonymous)
2003-01-31 10:34 am UTC (link)
With you on the never pissing off anyone from building 34 again thing.

Then again, I've read some of the whitepapers that come out of there. Frightening stuff.

Also, my dividend payment will buy me a candy bar and some V8. An SUV, alas, is not in the works this year. Not even a toy SUV. Sniff.

--fellow MS employee

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[info]hungsta
2003-01-31 03:25 am UTC (link)
How many minions do you have, and why don't you run out when Buffy and co are slaughtering countless Harbingers every week?
Minion out-placement programs excellent resource.

oh yeah I was wondering, good to know for later reference

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'Barney Goes To The Spa'
(Anonymous)
2003-01-31 05:50 am UTC (link)
Damn right. She makes me responsible for the mis-shelving of books in Barnes and Noble. Sure, customers annoyed because the latest King is sitting behind 'Barney Goes To The Spa' but it's boring! I want death!

- The Fourth Evil

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[info]thepouncer
2003-01-31 10:39 am UTC (link)
Come now, dreaded Evil one. If you liked Firefly, surely you can turn a smidge of your attention to corrupting network executives to bring it back? In a wondrous time slot? And put American Idol in the Friday time slot of Death?

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Questions
(Anonymous)
2003-01-31 12:23 pm UTC (link)
Do you ever get, you know, a TINGLY feeling from all that body swapping? Would you say it was sexual or more primordial, like birth?

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LOL...
eclipseklutz
2003-01-31 03:26 pm UTC (link)
LOL...

At least your more succsful at dominating the world than some out there *cough*me*cough*... Plusd, for some reason, you've got fans... What *did* I miss??? Well, good luck in conquering the slayer line!! Can't watch the show... *sigh* missin' my trip to Sunnydale for a stupid ol' accedimic bowl...

Quick question: how *do* you hire minions that don't quit? Mine always do, even though their pay is $1.50... I just don't get it!!!

~EclipseKlutz

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Time for Evil FAQS...
(Anonymous)
2003-01-31 08:55 pm UTC (link)
Well, it's good to see that you have time to type up a FAQ for this journal-thing you have online, but not time to call on, or write to, your mother.

Now, I know I'm not a SiT, or a Slayer, or any one of your dead friends; I'm not even one of your magic-junkie minions who get more interest from you than I do. I'm *just* the one who laboured for eons to give birth to you, who helped you take your first lives, who cared for you when you had Frivalic fever, who kissed your incorporeal scraped knees, who took out a second job so you could go to the best reality-warping university in the Hells, and who does your laundry.

Now, can you chant your poor mother up, or do I have to start posting baby-evil pictures?

BTW, your brother, Evil Incarnate, asked if you could please return his book of vampire brainwashing techniques. He's got a new project going on in L.A. or something.

The Mother of All Evil

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Re: Time for Evil FAQS...
(Anonymous)
2003-02-01 05:04 am UTC (link)
Didn't I rear you better than to distract your offspring while plotting?

The Granddaddy of all Evil

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Re: Time for Evil FAQS...
(Anonymous)
2003-02-01 05:06 am UTC (link)
I blame the parents ....

Student

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About that incorporeal thing and shapechangin' thing...
(Anonymous)
2003-02-01 04:48 pm UTC (link)
I've been wondering: since you claim you've been around, like, forever, were you around say five years ago when Willow died and became an incorporeal ghost on Halloween? Not that I doubt you or anything, it's just that I've been waiting for you to take Willow's shape, since she died and everything. Just a small suggestion.... My big suggestion is for you to dress up like VampWillow when you do take her shape. I mean, you remember her, right? She was that one with the tight leather fetish and bisexual leanings? I think it'd do wonders for your image. Let us see the sexy side of Evil! Pleeee-ase? Pretty please with a bad Southern accent on top?

~Random

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(Anonymous)
2003-02-01 05:02 pm UTC (link)
I was kinda wondering how you managed to type. You probably should try to get Firefly back on. Being bored does nothing for the forces of darkness. Were Highschool reunion and American Idol your ideas? I sorta HATE them! If you wanna beat the slayer, you kill her friends, they're why she always wins. Kill them off and you're home free. Just be sure you have a "sad and desperate slayer" rather than a "mad as hekll slayer" to deal with.

Z

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compatability survey
(Anonymous)
2003-02-01 08:27 pm UTC (link)
Why don't you take or post the survey to see if you and Lloyd are compatible?

Anon

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okay, so here's my question
(Anonymous)
2003-02-03 12:35 am UTC (link)
If you're incorporeal...how is it that you could pet Angel and touch him all you wanted in "Amends", hmmmmmm?

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[info]barbed_whispers
2003-02-05 10:21 pm UTC (link)
I notice that you spelled it "practise" instead of "practice". So where exactly are you from? Canadia? England, maybe?

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willow did not die
[info]abuffyfan
2003-02-06 07:06 pm UTC (link)
Willow died? Whend did Willow die? NOT in "halloween" I must have seen that ep 10 times, never do I recall her dying, yes she was a ghost, but wasn't it part of a spell?? A spell that guy Ethan Rayne cast???
Willow has never been dead has she?? someone clarify

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Re: willow did not die
eclipseklutz
2003-02-06 08:22 pm UTC (link)
Never recalled the redheaded witch dying. Vainy oone yes... most unfortanutly. Pleasent vibe when a slayer's friend is out on a killing spree... But no, the redhead did not die. Ethan Rayne cast that spell on Halloween. Nothin' goes right for him does it? He even screwed up on that spell...

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Re: willow did not die
(Anonymous)
2003-02-10 11:03 am UTC (link)
Eh, don't blame me for Rayne's mistakes. But in order to become a ghost, one must die. Okay, so when the spell ended, she was no longer dead, but it's my opinion that, when her physical body collapsed and her ghost rose from it, she was -- technically speaking -- "dead." That's where one of the funniest moments in BtVS history comes from:

Giles: Well, alright, l-let's, let's, let's review. Um, so everybody became, uh, whatever they were masquerading as.
Willow: Right. Xander was a soldier and Buffy was an 18th-century girl.
Giles: (more than a little confused) A-and, uh, your, your costume?
Willow: (dressed in the latest in trampy hooker style)I'm a ghost!
Giles: Yes. Um... w, uh, uh, uh, the ghost of what, exactly?

So I think Willow died, if only temporarily. Plus, VampWillow obvious did die...and she existed in the Buffyverse for a while, so she shouldn't be beyond the First Evil's munificent might and clever semantical twists that lead to new and exciting shape changes.

~Random

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