The First ([info]thefirstevil) wrote,
@ 2003-01-16 20:27:00
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Current mood:working
Current music:Sting

Locating Slayerette-types
Since Buffy and pals seem to be working to locate undiscovered potential pains-in-my-incorporeal-ass, have decided on preemptive strike. To this end, minions and I have been trying to find these naive young things before they can be cruelly turned to the side of all that is good and pure.

Evil plan a) Small group of (semi-)competent Bringers given braille copies of "Dummies Guide to Magick, Scrying, Divining and Necromancy", researching spells to locate SNITs (Slayers Not in Training)

b) less-competent Harbingers sent to airport and bus station with large "follow us to Buffy Summers!" signs (though maybe should not be killing off the stupid ones first, as could be inadvertently helping the Slayer line through picking off the weak? Damn you, Charles Darwin!)

c) sent the following email to every address we could get our hands on (spam a truly beautiful thing, glad I invented it):

>ATTN: Big cash prize!
>
>Are you:
>- female?
>- aged 14 - 21(ish)?
>- have noticed signs of superior strength, such as the breaking of doorknobs and/or accidental homicide of those close to you?
>
>You could win a HUGE CASH PRIZE!
>
>Simply reply to this e-mail with your name and address and one of our representatives - wearing our firm's traditional black hood-and-robe uniform - will deliver your fabulous prize!
>
>Definitely Not Evil, Inc

What? Works for Evil-Doers' Digest. Still waiting for those 10,000 freshly-sacrificed virgins they keep claiming I've won in their prize draw.

Edited to add: Seems to be some debate over whether SITs have a scaled-down version of Slayer powers or not. While it would appear not, even the Creator himself is often unclear on such things, so why leave it to chance? We're going by the theory that with the Harbingers working the planes, buses and magic(k) angles, we may as well cover all our bases.

Also, taking out any super-powered human girls who may be wandering around can be no bad thing for the evil side (ie: me). And if that spy-girl with the odd colored hair from TV shows her face around here, my Harbingers are instructed to deliver instant smackdown.




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[info]d_minion
2003-01-16 12:34 pm UTC (link)
Have obtained potentially amusing tape displaying results of latest minion type havoc being wreaked.

Involves He Of the Bleached Head being picked upon by animated action figurines. Am told Snape figurine was particularly creative in put-downs and the like.

Will send off copy and popcorn, asap.

- The Minion

(Reply to this)


[info]red_witch
2003-01-16 12:38 pm UTC (link)
If you're trying for that 'Top Evil' prize, letting them reach us safely and use up even more hot water and bathroom time would almost be more cruel.

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[info]d_minion
2003-01-16 12:45 pm UTC (link)
Speaking of hot water... or lack thereof.

Would check water system, were I you!

:D

*cackles*

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[info]xander__harris
2003-01-16 11:54 pm UTC (link)
Wait - I just fixed the bathrooms!

*grumbles to himself and goes to find his tools*

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Re:
[info]d_minion
2003-01-17 06:41 am UTC (link)
*sly look*

Will need more than tools, ducky! ;)

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(Anonymous)
2003-02-02 10:58 pm UTC (link)
Vez uma mais com sentimento

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[info]ex_seniorpar55
2003-01-16 12:39 pm UTC (link)
Definitely Not Evil, Inc
Interestingly enough, that was one of the original names we were considering for Wolfram & Hart...

Oh, and I had been meaning to thank you for inventing spam. The money has been just pouring in from that Nigerian banking e-mail scam we were running! Much more convenient than going door-to-door "collecting" for Jerry's kids...

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[info]iblis_kukl
2003-01-16 02:04 pm UTC (link)
Naw, "Wolfram & Hart" sounds way cooler (condolences about the Beast attack and the zombification of most of your staff, btw).

Someday I swear I'll make it out to El-Lay and get my picture taken out in front of your big slick-looking marquee (barring another apocalypse obliterating the entire building beforehand, of course...)


iblis (the funkiest evil) }()+

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Re:
[info]ex_seniorpar55
2003-01-16 02:19 pm UTC (link)
No need for condolences on the zombification...it was our own doing. A security measure...and part of the retirement package too!

As for the building...it would take a whole lot more than a mere apocalypse to destroy that building. Emergency protocols will draw it into a hidden pocket dimension before that could happen...

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[info]the23rdevil
2003-01-16 08:34 pm UTC (link)
And you couldn't have sent me a memo about this before hand?

Because frankly, my lawyer I got from you know is now a braindead zombie. Not that Gavin was the smartest bulb in the bulb box, but I like my lawyer to NOT try to eat any of the jury's flesh while testifing.

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[info]_glorificus_
2003-01-16 09:43 pm UTC (link)
Times like this, glad mine's hiding in the sewers. *blows kiss at Lilah*

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[info]the23rdevil
2003-01-17 01:03 pm UTC (link)
Well he tried, being the chicken wuss he was. But it didn't work out so well for him. :\

~The 23rd Evil

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Re:
[info]ex_seniorpar55
2003-01-17 01:48 pm UTC (link)
Rest assured, our new staff will be even more capable...or else!
And never underestimate the power of cannibalism to sway a jury...

(Reply to this) (Parent)

Your handiwork
(Anonymous)
2003-01-16 12:41 pm UTC (link)
I knew I recognized your handiwork in all the spam that I've been receiving of late. Is it you that keeps recommending breast augmentation in my email? Or is it all your work, what with the silicone implants, the spam, and the feeling of inferiority when comparing ourselves to the Pamela Anderson Lee's of the world?

I'm afraid that last one (Pam) strikes a chord of visceral-fear, but not in the way you expected. It may work against you in the end. Just a thought.

Anyway, I appreciate most of your chops, but really think you're getting too hung up on slayerettes. I believe they are what are commonly referred to as "red shirts;" it's only a matter of time, and then you'll have the blond perky one all to yourself.

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Re: your spam scheme
[info]amy_de_ratted
2003-01-16 12:58 pm UTC (link)
have noticed signs of superior strength, such as the breaking of doorknobs and/or >accidental homicide of those close to you?

Fairly certain SIT's don't have super strength. Pretty much why they're Slayers in training and not actual Slayers.

Shouldn't a super evil know something this simple?

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Re: your spam scheme
[info]thefirstevil
2003-01-16 01:17 pm UTC (link)
Seems to be some debate over whether SITs have a scaled-down version of Slayer powers or not. We're going by the theory that with the Harbingers covering the planes, buses and magic(k) angle, we may as well cover all our bases.

Also taking out any above-normal powered humans can be no bad thing.

(Reply to this) (Parent)


[info]lots42
2003-01-16 01:02 pm UTC (link)
Well, some of them were Xander, Willow and Cordy so you're fresh out of luck in that department. I say sue them blind. Thankfully you invented lawyers.

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Prize draw...
(Anonymous)
2003-01-16 01:14 pm UTC (link)
Prize draw? HA!

First Evil, for someone who is so evil, don't you think you'd have realized that evil people/things/beings NEVER follow through on their words? Just because they CLAIMED you won 10,000 freshly-sacrificed virgins, doesn't mean you actually did.
What they're actually sending you is 10,000 freshly-shined violins. (I think they thought the Bringers would make a good strings ensemble) Apparently, they just couldn't find enough sacrificial victims. Heh. That should teach you to order Evil-Doers digest. So if you've got a minute, pay them back, okay? I would, but they still have me tied up in one of the second-floor offices.

--Freshly Sacrificed Virgin #4176

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Re: Prize draw...
(Anonymous)
2003-01-16 04:47 pm UTC (link)
The claim is always that you won 10,000 something-you-might-actually-want; it always turns out that you won an indefinate-supply of summarised books-that-were-once-worth-reading, at only a little more than the price of a real book > I'm disillusioned. I always assumed that you ran those draws......

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HEWWO!!!!!
[info]thefirstgood
2003-01-16 01:28 pm UTC (link)
If you send your Harbingers they might meet some of my minions. You know, the ones in the yellow robes who hand out paper flowers. Yep, those are mine favouritest minions of all! I just love how they have those ponytails on the back of their shaved heads. YAY!!!
Wouldn't it be fun if my minions and your harbingers became the bestest of friends?! Then we could have play dates! YAY!!!

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Re: HEWWO!!!!!
[info]_glorificus_
2003-01-16 03:06 pm UTC (link)
How in the name of everything hellish and unholy did YOU get minions?

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Re: HEWWO!!!!!
[info]thefirstgood
2003-01-17 01:52 pm UTC (link)
Well, not everyone is a grumpy-face like you! Some people appreciate the value of happiness and love. I think they are called "hippies"...

YAY!!!!!

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Re: HEWWO!!!!!
[info]amy_de_ratted
2003-01-17 02:26 pm UTC (link)
This is way too unnerving.

Somebody kill it.

Kill it now!

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Re: HEWWO!!!!!
[info]the23rdevil
2003-01-17 06:17 pm UTC (link)
*pulls out axe*

Don't worry Rat girl, I'm on it. It will be my pleasure *evil grin*

Here kitty kitty kitty!

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Re: HEWWO!!!!!
[info]thefirstgood
2003-01-21 02:37 pm UTC (link)
Now that isn't very nice! You know what you need...CHEESE!!! Ratgirls love cheese!!! YAY!!

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May not be the best appraoch
[info]yduras
2003-01-16 01:44 pm UTC (link)
I remember reading somewhere that enhanced strength did not come into play until the slayer becomes fully 'activated'. I could be wrong, though.

I also remember reading that Watchers identify proto-slayers not via the aforementioned strength but via some sort of birthmark or mole. Perhaps a survey of plastic surgeons would be helpful?

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(Deleted post)
grr
[info]soulvamp
2003-01-16 02:00 pm UTC (link)
*finds your icon in extremely poor taste*

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Re: grr
[info]_scourge_
2003-01-16 02:41 pm UTC (link)
::stares at icon...then at spike::
I thought you had better judgement than that.
Or is there some substance to those disquieting rumors?


A.

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Re: grr
[info]soulvamp
2003-01-16 02:49 pm UTC (link)
NO truth. Hell, they talk about you and me gettin' up to nasty shite as well, and we know THAT never happened. *rolls eyes*
People have far too much time on their hands.

*smirks*

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Re: grr
[info]_scourge_
2003-01-16 03:14 pm UTC (link)
And it's amazing what they get up to when bored...


A.

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Re: grr
[info]soulvamp
2003-01-16 03:22 pm UTC (link)
Side note, though I'm loathe to give you advice, you may really want to consider notion of giving your "selves" separate icons. Never quite sure which one of you is in charge at any given moment. Believe Buffy's dark side made some spiffy ones.
Carry on.

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Re: grr
[info]_scourge_
2003-01-17 09:07 am UTC (link)
I suggested it to the soul. You've seen how that's worked out though...


A.

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Re: Just wanted to let you know...
[info]xander__harris
2003-01-16 02:42 pm UTC (link)
That is a truly annoying icon.

You must be one of those "wrong" minions.

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Re: Just wanted to let you know...
[info]vampxander
2003-01-17 08:58 am UTC (link)
And again, must say, don't want your life. I'll stick to the Willows and leave Spike up to you, 'k, other me?

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Prize Patrol
(Anonymous)
2003-01-16 02:07 pm UTC (link)
Sorry to hear about the virgins. I had a similar situation where I had won a heard of evil sheep but ended up with evil trout instead. I am considering contacting Wolfram & Hart to represent me in my coming evil leagal battle.

Best of luck with yours.

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Uh-huh
[info]sekl
2003-01-16 03:20 pm UTC (link)
Spam a truly beautiful thing, glad I invented it

Would I then be right in guessing that you also own AOL?

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If you send some harbingers to LA:
(Anonymous)
2003-01-16 03:54 pm UTC (link)
Please take out Kim Bauer. Thanx.

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Re: If you send some harbingers to LA:
(Anonymous)
2003-01-16 03:57 pm UTC (link)
Oh, and the ex-wife of the president to.

She bugs. SO much.

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Damn
[info]joan1882
2003-01-16 04:46 pm UTC (link)
It all makes sense now.

I was wondering where this surge of SPAM mail was coming from... Is it a coincidence that I get the bulk of them on Tuesdays, also? You must feel extra evil on that day.


RE: Finding Slayers-to-be:

Why don't you try posting ads in Starbucks? I'm assuming you own that company (or is it Wolfram & Hart?), so it wouldn't be terribly hard to post them. It's virtually guaranteed all teenagers will seek out coffee or other cafeine type products...and since there's a STARBUCKS on every friggin BLOCK now adays... Basically your work is done for you.

Just a suggestion.

~Joan~ (Who in retrospect, probably shouldn't have told the First Evil that.)

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[info]the23rdevil
2003-01-16 08:40 pm UTC (link)
You mean that WASN'T a real contest I got in the mail?!?!? Crap!!

*looks around, suddenly feels extremely stupid*

*trying to act smooth* I mean, uh, I totally knew it was a fraud. Yeah, totally.....eep.

I should rethink opening email contests whenever I get one. Just ends badly for me.

~ The gullible 23rd Evil

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[info]xander__harris
2003-01-16 11:47 pm UTC (link)
That story seems familiar or something. Are we related?

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A hint to the wise
(Anonymous)
2003-01-16 09:10 pm UTC (link)
Mmmm.. spam, not exactly the way to co, dude. I've tried it. Spam, albeit annoying as HELL(!! Thanks, btw, for the evil service you've done us all) is usually deleted as soon as it is received. What you need to do, as was stated before, is advertise. Print up little pamphlets and stick them in between the pages of YM, Teen Vogue, Seventeen, etc.
That should work for ya!
Glad to be of service in any way,
---The 332nd evil.

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Re: A hint to the wise
(Anonymous)
2003-01-16 09:24 pm UTC (link)
Magazines that give out amulets
May well appeal to teens,
(The bulk wholesale price is cheap,
and well within your means.)
What happens when they use them,
May provide the perfect test.
You get the mini-slayers.
The demons get the rest....

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(Anonymous)
2003-01-16 09:18 pm UTC (link)
Hi all! Came around the Summers' residence w/ Hot Wings since last time it seemed busy with the howling windows and loud salsa music so I thought I'd make up for missing the movie marathon Dawn and I were planning. The doors are normally never locked, but then they're rarely unhinged. Big mess. Anyways, I came in and saw this on screen and all... So is there some kooky double thing going on? Robots, clones, demon zappy things, alternate dimensions, shamans or what not? Since that last one? Never goes well. Anyway, who exactly is who? I've seen I think three different Spikes here, and then he's been having issues ever since that whole African adventure ordeal and he's been having some real personality swings. Thanks all!

~Friendly neighborhood boredom buster, Clem

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AHHH I KNEW IT!
[info]_bizarre_kid_
2003-01-17 09:23 am UTC (link)
You created spam! I knew it I knew it I knew it..being a spammer on message boards myself i guess i am perhaps evil XD

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