My evil speech
I'm something you can't conceive. The First Evil. Beyond sin, beyond death. You won't see me, but I'm always there. You can't defeat me. I'm all around you, all the time.
When you lose your keys, despite the fact you only put them down a second ago... I'm there.
When those stubborn last few Pringles refuse to leave the can... I'm there.
When that song you really hate gets stuck in your head for a week until you're ready to go postal on the world's ass... yep, that's me too.
When your favorite television show is pre-empted to show 22 grown men chundering around a field after an oddly-shaped ball... I sit back and laugh.
When you race from the shower to answer the phone, only to find it's a telemarketer... it's probably one of my minions on the other end.
You can't conceive of how evil I am. I invented microwave dinners. Voicemail. The org chart. American Idol. Every day my beautiful evil work spreads throughout the world, and no Slayer can stop me, no matter how many souled vampires and miscellaneously superpowered chums she has on her side.
And say you win... would you want the First Good to tip the balance? We're talking wall-to-wall Seventh Heaven reruns here.
Give in. Embrace the evil. Because my team's more fun, dammit.