thefirstevil: Evil speech

The First (

thefirstevil) wrote,
@ 2003-01-12 13:00:00

Current mood:	devious
Current music:	Common Rotation

Evil speech - first draft
Still needs a little work, but I think I have the basics down.

My evil speech

I'm something you can't conceive. The First Evil. Beyond sin, beyond death. You won't see me, but I'm always there. You can't defeat me. I'm all around you, all the time.

When you lose your keys, despite the fact you only put them down a second ago... I'm there.

When those stubborn last few Pringles refuse to leave the can... I'm there.

When that song you really hate gets stuck in your head for a week until you're ready to go postal on the world's ass... yep, that's me too.

When your favorite television show is pre-empted to show 22 grown men chundering around a field after an oddly-shaped ball... I sit back and laugh.

When you race from the shower to answer the phone, only to find it's a telemarketer... it's probably one of my minions on the other end.

You can't conceive of how evil I am. I invented microwave dinners. Voicemail. The org chart. American Idol. Every day my beautiful evil work spreads throughout the world, and no Slayer can stop me, no matter how many souled vampires and miscellaneously superpowered chums she has on her side.

And say you win... would you want the First Good to tip the balance? We're talking wall-to-wall Seventh Heaven reruns here.

Give in. Embrace the evil. Because my team's more fun, dammit.

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(Post a new comment)

	cardboard_spike 2003-01-12 05:30 am UTC (link)
	You know, pet, your arguments aren't getting any more pursuasive... I have a new poem. I wrote it for Buffy. Would you like to hear it? (Reply to this)(Thread)

(no subject) -

soulvamp, 2003-01-12 05:38 am UTC

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cardboard_spike, 2003-01-12 05:43 am UTC

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soulvamp, 2003-01-12 05:51 am UTC

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cardboard_spike, 2003-01-12 05:56 am UTC

(no subject) -

buffy_anne, 2003-01-12 07:25 am UTC

(no subject) -

cardboard_spike, 2003-01-12 08:25 am UTC

Divide and Conquer - (Anonymous), 2003-01-12 12:38 pm UTC

Re: Divide and Conquer -

buffyactsing, 2003-01-12 04:11 pm UTC

Tell the truth
(Anonymous)
2003-01-12 05:47 am UTC (link)

Let's get serious, Fevil. No way could I be responsible for a show like Seventh Heaven. That show has your stench all over it. Only someone like you could conceive of a show as sickly sweet, brainwashing the weak-willed into a numbing haze as they must contemplate "why must one as attractive as Jessica Biel have to be on a show like this, thus forcing me to watch it?"

Actually even *I* had been suckered into watching that show until only recently... it's probably the reason why you had the upper hand for as long as you have. Well, that and my other soul-sucking tv experience, aka the View. Damn you for the creation of that show as well!

But what are you going to do when Buffy and her Scoobie friends laugh at your speech and start dancing in a ring around you, saying "ha ha, Fevil Fevil" in a mocking tone? Because if I have my way, that's *exactly* what they will do.

Sincerely,

The First Good

(Reply to this)

	wordsmithslash 2003-01-12 05:53 am UTC (link)
	~~~When you lose your keys, despite the fact you only left them down a second ago... I'm there.~~~~ Try saying put them down or placed them down, you don't want to loose their attention over a silly grammar error. WS (Reply to this)(Thread)

(no subject) - (Anonymous), 2003-01-12 06:09 am UTC

(no subject) -

wordsmithslash, 2003-01-12 06:11 am UTC

(no subject) - faithlikesblack, 2003-01-12 04:18 pm UTC

(no subject) -

thefirstevil, 2003-01-12 07:02 am UTC

(no subject) -

red_witch, 2003-01-12 12:02 pm UTC

grammar and spelling - (Anonymous), 2003-01-12 12:58 pm UTC

	ragdoll 2003-01-12 06:09 am UTC (link)
	Bravo! Although it sounds an awful lot like a speech in the movie Time Bandits. Oh wait, that was you too -- even though you were pretending to be David Warner. (Reply to this)

Calling you on it.
(Anonymous)
2003-01-12 06:49 am UTC (link)

Excuse me and pardon my presumption, First Evil, but it seems that you are taking credit for something not of your province:
When those stubborn last few Pringles refuse to leave the can... I'm there.
Actually, First Evil, that would be me. That and when your shoelaces inexplicably knot themselves and when necklace chains do the same. I have so very little influence I'd appreciate it in future, Most Powerful Evil, if you'd leave off appropriating it.
- the 827,120th evil

(Reply to this)(Thread)

Re: Calling you on it. - (Anonymous), 2003-01-12 03:41 pm UTC

I'm more evil than you. - (Anonymous), 2003-01-12 09:56 pm UTC

	hmmmm.... crushw_eyeliner 2003-01-12 07:23 am UTC (link)
	Clearly, you are a Sting fan. Fear you even more now. (Reply to this)

	Pringels (Anonymous) 2003-01-12 07:56 am UTC (link)
	Hi Fevil, rememer that "Pringel" is a registrated trademark... So be carefull, otherwise the real evil will arise...??? B.A.f.H. (Reply to this)

	chase820 2003-01-12 09:03 am UTC (link)
	Admit it--you're also responsible for all that Korean porn spam mail in my inbox, aren't you? (Reply to this)

	mad props nwhepcat 2003-01-12 09:35 am UTC (link)
	Dude. I thought I felt your fetid breath on my neck the first time my company's owner said the word "throughput." And with the progressive weakness that overtakes my body with every additional utterance, I recognize your hand in it. Rock on. (Reply to this)

	trollfriend 2003-01-12 09:42 am UTC (link)
	Yes...you will definately need to tie Buffy up in order to get all that out. Hmmmmm...need any more demon minions? (Reply to this)

ex_seniorpar55
2003-01-12 09:52 am UTC (link)

You can claim as much credit as you want for making Simon Cowell a complete bastard, but American Idol was all us!

Just to avoid any further confusion, here are some of the Senior Partners greatest hits:

-Arranging for parents to wake in on their children masterbating.
-Olean
-Gloworms
-Smallpox
-Polio
-Geriatric diabetes
-Tom Cruise's career
-The Spanish Civil War (which was really more of an accident)
-Every J.Lo album
-Britney Spears' breasts
-MTV's The Real World (but we can't claim credit for Road Rules)
-DVDs (not really evil...yet!)
-Morrissey (post-Smiths, of course)
-Disco
-Red Bull and vodka
-Hugh Grant
-Jellyfish (what until you see what we have in store with them...friendly tip: avoid the beaches in 2004)
-Eubonics

That is just a sample of the evil we have perpetrated on the ignorant masses of your world. With a resume like that, you can see why we don't need to make speeches. We are, as some of our minions would say, the "evil shiznit". Word to your mothers...

(Reply to this)

	K, this is to all you wanna-bes (Anonymous) 2003-01-12 10:23 am UTC (link)
	Okay, sure you may have done all these things you claim to have done, but why did you do it? What caused you to shudder when puppies were in sight, or to steal candy from babys, or yes, even destroy vilages... THE FIRST EVIL! It has you in its pocket, you just dont know it. Show a little respect. Armius, the Man-Witch (Reply to this)

Now now, silly goose!
thefirstgood
2003-01-12 10:50 am UTC (link)

All this time I have been looking for you and you were in Sunnydale harrassing innocent young people. At least this time it doesn't involve a van and a bag of candy!

If it wasn't for your Livejournal you might have hid from me, but now I have found you and I will resume my mission of trying to make you see the errors of your ways. The world should be filled with happiness and laughter and puppies. Not evil...and certainly not Turok Hans! I can see that this will be a challenge though...but I love a challenge!

Though, I was a bit saddened that your ruined my big surprise about the 7th Heaven reruns...but then I smiled and decided to show Touched by an Angel reruns too. YAY!!

(Reply to this)

	Damnable earworms xaos 2003-01-12 11:28 am UTC (link)
	You mean YOU are responsible for that remix of Suzanne Vega's "Tom's Diner" by d.n.a? I was kind of pulling for you until you admitted this wretched wretched act :( - Steve do-do-do-do do-do-do-do do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do (Reply to this)

	I have one question (Anonymous) 2003-01-12 11:49 am UTC (link)
	I see all the things you, first, have done to this world to make it o-so more evil, and also the things w&h has done. But who was the evil master mind behind vinilla ice? Now, that person is the true evilest person in all the world! (Reply to this)

	red_witch 2003-01-12 12:05 pm UTC (link)
	Nice speech. Maybe less on the Pringles, and mention your hand in the creation of popup web ads and those evil banner ads that use Flash and talk? Seventh Heaven argument oddly compelling for return to evil. (Reply to this)

	girlfaerie 2003-01-12 12:06 pm UTC (link)
	I missed last week's episode because I didn't realize it was new and my friends kept me out way late and I didn't even think about it until I got home at two AM. Do you know where I could find a tape of it or download it or anything. I would really appreciate any help. (Reply to this)(Thread)

(no subject) -

mathgoddess, 2003-01-12 05:37 pm UTC

anniesj
2003-01-12 12:20 pm UTC (link)

Give in. Embrace the evil. Because my team's more fun, dammit.

You know, I can't really argue on that one, Firstie. Mind if I call you Firstie? After all, you're responsible for the evil of nicknames, too, right? Anyway. Joined the evil team several years ago, never looked back. It's much more fun than those boring old goody-two-shoes bastards who do silly things like "help the poor" and "give to charity". ::shudder:: But then I couldn't spend my hard-earned cash on *me*, goddammit! Yeesh.

Excellent evil speech, btw. Every time I pick up the phone and hear the sound of a mechanical voice offering me a free Carnival cruise to Disney World on the condition that I take a bunch of house tours, I'll be sure to tell your minions "hello". :)

(Reply to this)

	I just have one question: cbrownjc 2003-01-12 12:26 pm UTC (link)
	Where you also the one responsible for the movie Ishtar? 'Cause if so, you really are diabolical. (Not even going to ask if you were responsible for Manos, the Hands of Fate. That's, of course, a given. :-) (Reply to this)(Thread)

Re: I just have one question: -

xander__harris, 2003-01-12 03:13 pm UTC

	callastar 2003-01-12 12:51 pm UTC (link)
	Kudos, dear Evil. That was a brilliant speech by far and the Scoobie Gang definitely could not have written one any better... BUT! I still like them more. No offense, Dark One. You are Evil. Regards - A fan. (Reply to this)

	(Anonymous) 2003-01-12 12:53 pm UTC (link)
	A word of advice on speech revision: Cross out "American Idol", replace with "Joe Millionaire", "The Bachelor", and "The Bachelorette"....Those shows are EVIL, man! (Reply to this)(Thread)

Social Worker tip - (Anonymous), 2003-01-12 01:10 pm UTC

	(Anonymous) 2003-01-12 12:58 pm UTC (link)
	damn you and my pringles! (Reply to this)

	xdawnsummersx 2003-01-12 01:26 pm UTC (link)
	So you're saying we have to choose between football and "Seventh Heaven"? Oh, joy and rapture. (Reply to this)(Thread)

(no subject) -

iblis_kukl, 2003-01-13 03:54 pm UTC

	writer_chick 2003-01-12 01:31 pm UTC (link)
	I thought that was you! You evil bastard! (Reply to this)

	miss_parker 2003-01-12 01:42 pm UTC (link)
	Oh get over yourself already. Must you try and take credit for everything? I've seen Raines wheeling his tank around while in his underwear in the office. (Don't ask. I didn't. Broots nearly had a heart attack.) Now that is something to be afraid of. (Reply to this)

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