thefirstevil: Slight hiccup

The First (

thefirstevil) wrote,
@ 2003-01-11 21:09:00

Slight hiccup
No update yesterday - in a fit of pique when my Harbinger typed the password wrong again I may have slightly, accidentally, knocked out the whole network.

Oops.

Still, gave me time to perfect my evil white-hat-morale-crushing speech, as vital a part of a Big Bad's plan as the evil laugh and the evil minions. Speech is quite long, so will potentially need to tie the Slayer up for her to listen to it. If only Ubie were still around, he would enjoy that. No, must stop thinking about him! Only way to get over the grief. Tried taking his form, but those leather pants chafe so. No wonder he growled so much. Maybe also why Angelus is so deliciously evil? He seems to enjoy it, though. Obviously got lonely without Spike around.

Received lovely poem via email from someone called <mailto:cairns@irvens.freeserve.co.uk>Margaret</a>. Very touching tribute to my Turok-Han.

"Dust they art, to dust returning,"

Evil lasts, but undeath’s fleeting.
And the grave must take it’s tolls,
Dark the fates of evil’s vampires,
Suffering when they’re given souls,

Sent to battle on the Hellmouth,
Listening to a Slayer's quips,
In the town of Sunnydale,
Where vampire choice is stake or chips,

As your fellow Dark Lords tell you,
Evil minions come and go,
Like dust on the winds of winter
Feel the grief – and let it go.

Much better than Spike's poetry, which defies all laws of man and nature.

Also have found that

Wacky Witchy Willow has a journal too. Bet she's trying to get a head start on the Evil of 2003 competition, if she's not too busy ogling the verging-on-jailbait piece of SIT crumpet she has stashed away in her bedroom. She probably doesn't even have an evil speech.

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ex_seniorpar55
2003-01-11 01:48 pm UTC (link)

We have never really been so big on the morale crushing speeches. Our technique of mind-warping dread seems to be working well.

As for the leather pants, we once tried to switch from our robes to leather pants and it wasn't such a great idea. We seriously went over budget on baby powder during that unfortunate period. Besides, the robes allow a nice breeze...especially when you're going commando!

Just an FYI...I am pretty sure we will have the Evil of 2003 title locked with our new plan. We are moving into entertainment with several reality television shows. After the soul-sucking success of American Idol and now Joe Millionaire we are eager to present even more evil programming in the fall season. Three words: Dirty Tramp Island. Coming to FOX this fall!

(Reply to this)(Thread)

	American Idol? thefirstevil 2003-01-11 02:32 pm UTC (link)
	Curse you! Simon Cowell is my minion! How much did you buy him for? How many vestal virgins did it take this time? (Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

	Re: American Idol? ex_seniorpar55 2003-01-11 09:32 pm UTC (link)
	That Simon is a strange one... He has a provision in his contract calling for one new Twinkie a day. When we brought him his fresh snack cake he got upset and threw it at us. Still not quite sure what that was all about... (Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

	Re: American Idol? iblis_kukl 2003-01-13 03:09 pm UTC (link)
	But what I wanna know is, how does 24's Nina Meyers fit into all this?? By the way, congratulations on your network's insidious plan to permanently trash Futurama and Firefly (continually pre-empting the former for NFL and replacing the latter with Fastlane). Evil manages. iblis }()+ (Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

	Re: American Idol? ex_seniorpar55 2003-01-13 09:59 pm UTC (link)
	We have become quite fond of 24...even forsaking the guilty pleasures of Smallville to watch (mmm...that Lana is quite a piece of ass though). As for Futurama and Firefly, there removal from the air is all part of the insidious plot we began years ago to destroy anything worthwhile on television. A fine chronicle of our plot can be found on Jump the Shark. (Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

	Re: American Idol? iblis_kukl 2003-01-15 12:32 pm UTC (link)
	Hmm. That site comes off more like someone's evil plot to prove that democracy's a joke. iblis }()+ (Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

	Re: American Idol? ex_seniorpar55 2003-01-15 12:58 pm UTC (link)
	How did you figure out what our plot was?!?! Of course you know, we have to have you killed now... (Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

	Re: American Idol? iblis_kukl 2003-01-17 01:43 pm UTC (link)
	Oh c'mon, it's not as if it was any kind of big surprise or anything... iblis }()+ (Reply to this)(Parent)

	_rogueslayer_ 2003-01-11 05:37 pm UTC (link)
	God, I just knew that Joe Millionaire was the doing of someone wicked and perverse. You know, you guys screwed up big letting Lindsay go... I tell you, if it wasn't for him, I probably wouldn't have taken that job you guys offered me... then again... erk. Forget I mentioned that. (Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

Re:
ex_seniorpar55
2003-01-11 09:28 pm UTC (link)

We were opposed to letting Lindsey go but we were trying to get Russell Crowe as a client and he has a strict policy against doing business with any firm employing another pretty boy guitar player.

Besides, that VH1 movie he made was pretty awful and he was making us look bad...

You know, if you are looking for work on the outside, give us a call. We are always on the look out for psychotic and unstable nymphos...and that's just for the secretary pool.

(Reply to this)(Parent)

I should have known.

evil_hand
2003-01-11 08:51 pm UTC (link)

I occasionally subjected Lindsey to American Idol. He's not terribly clever at times and places the remote in my grasp, instead of his non-evil hand. He doesn't seem to be able to remember that I am, indeed, his Evil Hand.

We had no idea you were responsible, O Senior Partners.

BTW, never properly thanked you for hooking me up with Lindsey. So much nicer than being suspended in that tank with my old body.

(Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

	Re: I should have known. ex_seniorpar55 2003-01-11 09:24 pm UTC (link)
	It would have been better in the tank if they had followed our exact specifications and filled it with Beefeater gin. (Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

	Re: I should have known. evil_hand 2003-01-11 10:08 pm UTC (link)
	Well, can I have the backlog of gin now? Lindsey is far more pliable when drunk, more open to evilness. Also more likely to go out and be acoustic rock god at local clubs, but we can work around that. (Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

	Re: I should have known. ex_seniorpar55 2003-01-11 10:16 pm UTC (link)
	HA! Like 112 cases of gin will last long around a bunch of lawyers! It has long since been sweat into the lining of many Armani suits. (Reply to this)(Parent)

	lots42 2003-01-11 02:13 pm UTC (link)
	Here's an evil speech Willow can steal if she goes bad again: "Fuck yellow crayons! I have a gun!" BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! "So, Kennedy, you're the only left. Now get in the French Maid outfit!" (Reply to this)

	Hello First Schmoo dogmeatnyc 2003-01-11 03:35 pm UTC (link)
	Dear weiner: Please keep your dead minions from offering me lousy jobs! Will be annoyed if The Ghost of UberVamp persists unless of course its in a nudie bar! Yours from the opposition, Dogmeat (Reply to this)

	red_witch 2003-01-11 07:00 pm UTC (link)
	She's not jailbait, and I'm not oogling her. In fact, I'm trying very hard NOT to oogle her! (Reply to this)(Thread)

	xdawnsummersx 2003-01-12 01:27 pm UTC (link)
	I'm not exactly helping. Mwaaaahahaha. (Reply to this)(Parent)

I'll have you know...

rabbit_phobia
2003-01-11 07:02 pm UTC (link)

...that if I still had my powers, you would already be a sniveling pile of minorly evil innards. With slimy hands. And bad breath.

After all, let's not forget how you trampled over poor Lloyd's affections! Can't figure out whether that makes you a contender for Top Evil '03 or not. At any rate, would like to confirm the presence of the following on your minion roster: old French people, Communists, shiny-haired kleptomaniacs, Dick Cheney, the promo monkeys of UPN.

Wait. Can good guys post here? Um, BUFFY!

(Reply to this)

	That poem was touching...:'( (Anonymous) 2003-01-11 07:12 pm UTC (link)
	That poem went to my heart. I miss ubie very much, too. There is no ubie like him... I want to hurt that slayer. If you need any more helpful evil, just tell me. I've very willing:) -Jesikesia aka Jesi (Reply to this)

Hmm....
(Anonymous)
2003-01-11 07:58 pm UTC (link)

FE,
Just a couple pointers. First, leather pants don't chafe QUITE so much if you invest in some briefs. You can send one of the Bringers out to the store for some. On second thought, maybe that's not such a good idea. With no eyes to speak of, they'll probably bring you back some with little hearts and flowers... Or are you into that?
Secondly, I also have some advice on that evil speech of yours. Usually, "MWAH HA HA HA HA!" works pretty well on the minions, but that's provided you have perfected your evil laugh. (and that you don't look like Buffy at the time. It just won't have the same effect)
Otherwise, threaten to not feed anyone anything but TV dinners for a week, (and make sure to eat the desert yourself!)or learn to pull a rabbit out of your hat. (never know what THAT will come in handy...)
If none of this works, its time for threatening-buffy-101. Example: "Buffy, you tramp! I've got Spike, and a sharp knife, and if you don't surrender, no more destroying-old-abandonned-building fun for you, if you get my drift!"
Heh heh heh.
The Queen of Insanity.

(Reply to this)

	xander__harris 2003-01-11 08:13 pm UTC (link)
	"evil white-hat-morale-crushing speech" Like we've never heard one of those before. rolls eyes Hey, evil thing, who's that single-underscore guy with my name on your friends list? If you're creating a second me, then I'll be really, well, confused. (Reply to this)

	immortalslayer 2003-01-11 09:57 pm UTC (link)
	They warned you that I exist.....oh this oughta be fun cuz I'm not like those other slayers. So you bring your immortal whoop ass and I'll bring mine. By the way, I know what took the network out. snicker at least on your end. (Reply to this)

evil_hand
2003-01-11 10:05 pm UTC (link)

Both you and

the_powers claim responsibility for LiveJournal breakdown of a few days ago.
I knew it was you from the get-go. Why would The Powers That Be lie about such a thing? So confusing.
I'm beginning to worry that you're all one and the same and this grand evil I've dedicated myhandself to is all a lie. But then, I'm an evil hand, what do I care?

Have been leaving Lindsey little post-its all over the house. "Evil evil evil" "you don't have any morals, just stop pretending!" and the like. Seems to be having an effect.
Made him swerve to squash irritating yappy dog from down the street and he felt no remorse. I took this as a good sign.

(Reply to this)

	spritelord 2003-01-11 11:45 pm UTC (link)
	Oh, Christ. Now I know you're evil. Only someone dedicated to bringing pain and suffering would purposely confuse "it's" and "its". Firstie, please, you can do better than that. (Reply to this)(Thread)

	jdm314 2003-01-12 12:57 am UTC (link)
	Spritelord (spritelord) wrote, Oh, Christ. Now I know you're evil. Only someone dedicated to bringing pain and suffering would purposely confuse "it's" and "its". right, or say "they art" It's "thou art" or "they are." Damn you, Evil!! (Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

(Anonymous)
2003-01-12 06:04 am UTC (link)

Thinking sentiment,
must admit I meant well,
should have been "they are"
but a glitch then befell,
I sent poem by cutting and pasting
then got nervous,
time was a wasting,

normally, my ryming is breezy
but this net-stuff,
isn't so easy
on the other hand
grammer-gliches work well
for causin smokin rages
and sendin folk to ....

(Would the above be too revealing of an evil sceme.
do you think?)

SD/M

(Reply to this)(Parent)

	thefirstevil 2003-01-12 04:18 am UTC (link)
	Poem was not written by me but by a faithful minion. And I invented the apostrophe in "it's" (only used as a contraction of "it is", never as a possession). (Reply to this)(Parent)

Hey First Schmoo :-)

dogmeatnyc
2003-01-12 02:16 am UTC (link)

I got a question or two that the people at The Bronze have been asking for the longest time.
One] Is the BBS dead?
Two] Is Principal Wood one of yours?
Three] Are you afraid of Joss Whedon?
Four] What color is your toothbrush?
Five] Do you like chocolate, caramel or taffy?
Six] What do you look like nekkid?
Seven] Do you like cheese?

Respectfully yours in opposition,
Dogmeat
Dogmeat's journal

(Reply to this)(Thread)

	Re: Hey First Schmoo :-) immortalslayer 2003-01-12 02:37 am UTC (link)
	Oh please...neither one of them had anything to do with the network going down. I'm like a computer wiz. How do you think I got into the Watchers' databases unnoticed? (Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

	Re: Hey First Schmoo :-) dogmeatnyc 2003-01-12 02:50 am UTC (link)
	Hello why are you replying to my post? I thought you were a computer wiz? Some wiz replying to the wrong person :) Dogmeat (Reply to this)(Parent)

Re: Hey First Schmoo :-)

thefirstevil
2003-01-12 04:16 am UTC (link)

One] yes, but I can take its form.
Two] decline to comment. You shall know soon enough.
Three] the First fears nothing. But maybe The Creator inspires a tiny piece of fear.
Four] the First may fear the Creator, but definitely not plaque. I have no need of a toothbrush. The Ubervamp's was pink, though.
Five] all are equally delicious, but chocolate has a slight edge.
Six] whatever I want. Most recently? Spike.
Seven] Yes, but it does not wear me.

(Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

Re: Hey First Schmoo :-)

dogmeatnyc
2003-01-14 01:54 am UTC (link)

[Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<a href:"http://www.bronzebeta.com">') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.]

My friends at the Bronze are a tough bunch to please or prove anything to. Should have seen the fuss they made about the alleged Big Lie that Xander supposedly made to Buffy before the big fight in Becoming Part Two.*g* Please post at <a href:"http://www.bronzebeta.com">The Bronze</a> with proof of all your statements.

One] yes, but I can take its form.

Please explain this answer?

Two] decline to comment. You shall know soon enough.
Thank you for not spoiling me.

Three] the First fears nothing. But maybe The Creator inspires a tiny piece of fear.

Ahhh this is good if you have fear then that means you can die, paltry weasel. *g*

Four] the First may fear the Creator, but definitely not plaque. I have no need of a toothbrush. The Ubervamp's was pink, though.

Hmmmm and what does this mean to you?

Five] all are equally delicious, but chocolate has a slight edge.

A very wise choice indeed. Do you want to join the Beta Chocoholics Society?

Six] whatever I want. Most recently? Spike.

I am beginning to be very annoyed that there is never nekkid Jenny, Tara, Cassie, Harmony, Darla, Buffy, Drusilla, Joyce! I think you are a sexist pig allowing only the women to drool!

Seven] Yes, but it does not wear me.

Did you get the cheese references that the creator was making in that episode?

Respectfully yours in opposition,
Dogmeat

(Reply to this)(Parent)

	immortalslayer 2003-01-12 03:48 am UTC (link)
	just because I'm a wiz, doesn't mean I don't get tired. hee hee. who do you think watches over Casa de Summers while everyone is asleep? (Reply to this)

Satan's own Speech-Writing Service

(Anonymous)
2003-01-12 03:58 am UTC (link)

Oh most magnificently malicious and fiendishly clever First, may I offer my humble services as Evil's best hope for a "morale-busting" speech to end all (literally). I have several centuries of experience working in the darker corners of European history and am on rather good terms with temptation and grief as well.

A sample whipped up for your express occasion:

Assembled minions, obsequious vermin, vile toadies and sulferating lackies, and all who feel the touch of evil down to the core of their soulless and immoral being, let us not waver in our commitment to pure, unadulterated and extremely uncomfortable death to the Slayer and her fawning backup chorus.
Yes, you - each demon, vampire and hell hound - holds in his immortal claws the power to abolish all alternative rock and puppies, and all forms of human happiness, and and let the unholy strains of Avril Lavigne ring out unjustly.
We dare not forget today that we are all the heirs of that first evil, that fount of all wickedness, vile deeds, dark malevolence and telemarketing. Let the word go forth from this time and place, to fiend and foe alike, that the bloody seal has been passed to a new generation of the undead — reared on the Hellmouth, seething with hatred, riddled by sin and iniquity, yet proud of our accessorizing flair — and unwilling to witness or permit the slayer's unceasing trouncing of our sorry ass.

  Let every dimension know that we shall commit the most heinous crimes, deliver odious and prolonged torture, and jam every parking meter in Sunnydale, in order to assure the survival and the success of evil and its most depraved followers.

  To those old ones whose monstrous and vile origins we share, we pledge: united, there is little we cannot pollute, soil, destroy, taint or shrink by accidentally washing in hot.

  And so, my fellow demon brethren ask not what Evil can do for you—ask what havoc you can wreck for the first, the only, the once and future big E.

Please do not hesitate to contact me for all your most damning praise.

Yours,

Herr Dr Faust

(Reply to this)

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