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|Tuesday, February 25th, 2003|
|For the record...
(This is an evil public service announcement: if you missed the ad yesterday at TWOP
, please ignore this entry as it will make as much sense as Molly's accent. Thank you.)( TWOP banner adCollapse )
|Saturday, February 22nd, 2003|
No recent entries, since have been feeling oddly out of the loop in own apocalypse. Even Tuesday's attempt to get in a spot of Slayer-taunting fell flat - planned to put in another appearance as one of the ex-SITs (or possibly Jim Morrison), but Buffy's band of bores evidently discovered my deep-rooted fear of puppets. Damn them.
On the plus side, Spike is wearing the coat again. Must promote the Harbinger who daringly invaded the Summers stronghold to retrieve it and bring it to the basement. At least, assume that was what happened, since was sure the coat was last seen in hands of burly carpenter-type.
Hate my minions. The Beast seems to be deliberately ignoring his voicemail. LA sources have whsipers of him aligning to some new power. Even gave away the knife I gave him for Christmas. Okay, was unwanted present from Dave the Harbinger two years ago, but no need to be impolite.
Anyway, have shaken myself out of recent funk. There's a brand, spanking new plan - and this is to be last entry in the chronicle of an evil being. It's been a rollercoaster couple of months, from the dizzying highs of days spent simply watching Spike with his shirt off, to the lows of endlessly having to replace minions after Slayer ass-whuppings. But from now on my dealings will be private, intensely secretive and mindbogglingly evil. The First is Back on Top. Past year has been tough - the traumatic breakup with Lloyd, the death of poor Ubie, that damn SIT with the faux English accent who refuses to impale herself on something large and sharp. But as the most powerful entity in the 'verse, I can rise above it all.
I will prevail. Oh yes. I will prevail.
Stepping out of character for a second.
It's been a blast writing this the last few months, but the time's come to call it quits. I'm not in the US and while up to now I've been getting by on the wildfeeds, I'm going - gasp - spoiler free. I have no idea when I'll see the new episodes, and it seems silly to write a FE journal when I have no idea what the First is up to in the show.
Huge thanks to everyone who read it, commented, mailed me or friended me (as I write this it stands at 1050... wow). You guys rock. And check out sunnydale_socks for the journals of just about everybody else, written by some hugely talented people.
|Wednesday, February 12th, 2003|
Why did I ever come up with Valentine's Day? It's only fun to depress people without significant others when they're not me
. Even Buffy's pathetic little crew are all loved-up and snuggly. Should have invented a holiday centred around being mean to small animals or bleached blondes.
Not having a good week. Can't even decide if I want Spike dead or not. Crawly little what's-his-name seems to have grown a pair (dammit) and couldn't even shoot a few measly whining teens for his ex-employer, who cared for him and... did other things not to be mentioned ever again. On the plus side, may have new minion in form of hot high-school principal - yes! Though going by recent run of luck, gentle pointing-in-direction-of-Spike will lead to tragic staking of Billy Idol, since my minions tend not to be v. intelligent.
Also, who's been playing with my Seal? (Danzalthar one, not mildly popular singer of "Kiss From a Rose") Current Mood: grumpy
|Saturday, February 8th, 2003|
How evil are you?
Also, was correct in assuming Angel(us) never received the "Rockin' the Crypt: Best of Spike and Buffy's Sex Life" DVD I sent. Suspect was swiped by either green-skinned ambiguous demon (looks like he might have porn habit) or mopey hell-spawn (needs desperately to get porn habit). Current Mood: offended
|Friday, February 7th, 2003|
|Insult upon injury
After horrible party events - still too painful to discuss - have finally got Tuesday night status report from Harbinger (since rest were apparently pitching their Chicago act to Simon Cowell et al).
Not only does red_witch
steal my top evil award for last year, but she seems to be making an early bid for THIS year's prize. How dare she muscle in on my shapeshifting gig! I thought of it first! There's a reason I'm not the hundred and fifth evil (besides obvious problems of printing business cards etc).
So far her repertoire seems limited to geeky ex-minion's geeky skinned boyfriend, but this is undoubtably just tip of morphing iceberg. She could be up to Spike-torturing by the end of the week. Damn her.
I don't see what's so great about skinning Warren, anyway. Certainly don't see why Lloyd would have a sketch of it on his office wall. Signed. With "Love and evilness, Willow!" and a cross. I
could have skinned the geek, but the Bringers were SIT-hunting in Europe that week, and just didn't have enough frequent flyer miles to bring one back.
Said I wasn't going to talk about it. Anyway. Maybe trip to LA would cheer me up? I hear Angelus is on the loose. No doubt he'd welcome news of what his ex-Slayer's been up to with her new vampy boy toy.
Must pack some leather pants, just in case soulboy's little gang have heartlessly failed to provide them. Current Mood: depressed
|Monday, February 3rd, 2003|
|Employer/minion communication breakdown
Quick update as I'm terribly busy choosing who to wear for the costume party at Lloyd's office tonight. And, err, ending the slayer line and bringing about hell on earth. Obviously.
Trouble with the staff, again
. If they didn't feel they were being paid enough, why didn't they ask for a raise? (Apart from likelihood of painful evisceration). So embarrassing to find minions moonlighting (sunlighting) as home ec. teachers, school bus drivers etc. And Dave the Harbinger claims he wants to give up minioning as he actually prefers his day job on the school construction site. Suppose I could let that one slide, since could use him to keep an eye on the Handyscooby, if he ever gets his ass back to work.
|Thursday, January 30th, 2003|
Have decided to take time out from regularly scheduled minion-training to answer some questions asked many, many times in the comments. Well, several times. Once. Maybe.Questions Frequently Put to the FirstHow do you type if you're, y'know, incorporeal and all?
Insist on all Bringers being trained secretaries, since always in need of memos, e-mails etc in this modern, modem-wacky world. Also, great advantage to having the cream of Microsoft's research & development division at my disposal - incorporeal keyboard-and-mouse combo great boon.If you're so bent on destroying the world, how do you find time to update?
Key to evil domination is excellent management structure. Also the Second-through-20345th Evil can handle most minor quibbles that may arise.Where were you when JFK was shot?
On grassy knoll, wondering if Harbinger would have been more accurate shot without his eyes sewn shut.Are you responsible for the cancellation of Firefly?
That cowboy space thing? No! I liked that show. The captain was strangely attractive, for a non-souled-vampire.How many minions do you have, and why don't you run out when Buffy and co are slaughtering countless Harbingers every week?
Minion out-placement programs excellent resource. What color is your toothbrush?
The First Evil does not have plaque. The First Evil is the cause of plaque in others.Are you responsible for the events in LA?
Even I'm not sure anymore.
Right, that's enough questions - two of the Bringers just tripped over the dummy SIT they're supposed to be practise-stabbing. It never ends.
|Tuesday, January 28th, 2003|
|All singing, all annoying
All right, who put Prozac in the Harbingers' feeding bowls? Am extremely busy with secret evil schemes, can't afford to be distracted by very noisy all-Bringer version of "Chicago" currently being performed two caves away. Definitely not going to give in to their requests to bring that singing-and-dancing demon back, as my minions have done quite enough baring of inner feelings (among other things) in past week. Also, don't want to watch the SIT hoards form a chorus line. Unless Dawn cracks and kills them all in a last-ditch bid for attention?
Maybe will keep the musical extravaganza for a back-up plan.
Also, several commenters have queried the Lloyd situation. Evil does not kiss and tell, unless ex-president Clinton is involved, but you know how it is - working flat-out to exit mortal coil with a bang, things can get lonely, especially when pet vampires get inconveniently killed/rescued. Nice to find someone who understands, and who appreciates the complexity and beauty of pure evil. Besides, have always found antlers quite sexy on a demon. Current Mood: grumpy
|Monday, January 27th, 2003|
Harbingers a bit worse for wear today, as last night saw their post-rehab booze-up in The Bronze (since Deathbringer the Harbinger was banned from Willy's for cheating at kitten poker - Willy on list to be first up against the wall when Apocalypse comes).
Decided to hold off on my Slayer-inspired Harbinger bootcamp idea for a day or so: meanwhile, updated my memories
. Good times. Current Mood: nostalgic
|Friday, January 24th, 2003|
What with all the "excitement" - using term loosely - of Tuesday night and travelling to the clinic to collect the Harbingers (suspect annoying amount of hugging, growing and sharing went on in my absence: not healthy), had completely forgotten to check in on developments LA-wise. Luckily my Beast thought to send status report.
From: firstname.lastname@example.org ("Demon Academy of Dramatic Arts")
Subj: LA Update
Hi there! Just thought that as my employer (thanks again, by the way, I truly appreciate the work), I should give you the "low-down" on what I've been up to this week. You'll be glad to hear that Wolfram and Hart is no more! Yep, I killed 'em all good (if you could just overlook some minor zombies, but I'm pretty sure that wasn't my fault). I nearly had that scrawny teen you've been after, too, but thought I should lay off killing him until I hear from you, o mostly-all-knowing one.
Incidentally, I wondered if you could clear up a few questions about my motivation? Right now I'm going for "carnage-causing glee" with a dash of malice and psychopathy on the side, but it'd really help me out. I'm more of a "Method" Beast.
Hope this is what you were after!
Henry ("The Beast")
He destroyed W&H? Rats. I meant him to go after that other evil law-firm - the one that used to be on television, with that very skinny girl and the dancing baby. Oh well. Probably should start looking for new attorney. Just as well, since Ms. Morgan seemed to be spending most of her time with Angel's ex-watcher friend. Taking down his briefs, no doubt. So unprofessional when people put their sex lives ahead of their commitment to evil.
Anyway, must go - meeting Lloyd for cocktails at eight.
|Wednesday, January 22nd, 2003|
|Tuesday Night Non-Smackdown Event
Don't know why I even bothered hauling ass back to So. Cal. last night, since anticipated Tuesday night White-Hat rumble was pre-empted for a Slayer pep-talk and boot camp session with the youngsters. Still, anything better than more group therapy with the Bringers. Only so long you can listen to them blame everything on their absent fathers, and I hate to see a grown Harbinger cry.
Did get a chance to follow the Slayer around for a bit - what's with the loose-skinned demon? Probable ex-crypt-destroying-sex-partner, but no time to put him on the extermination list, what with, oh, Dawn still to wipe out. Yes, we heard she isn't a potential - don't care. That sonic shriek should not be a tool in the hands of good. Current Mood: irritated
|Monday, January 20th, 2003|
|Cheery waves all, from Lloyd!
Since the First is all tied up in Bringer-rehab, he (or she, if that floats your dinghy) asked me - Lloyd - to mail in a quickie update. FE hoped to be back today but it's looking like the Harbingers are going to need a few more days in therapy. Minions, who'd have them? (Not that I'd know - low grade justice demon here!) They were doing so well, too, until two of them sneaked out and went kind of nuts. Shooting up with stolen essence of lavender oil, I heard. Sad, really - I think the poor guys heard "addiction" and got the wrong end of the stick.
Anyway, he'll try to be back for tomorrow night, but rest assured that even if he (she) can't tear herself away, there are still clean, spell-free Harbingers in Sunnydale carrying out their wonderful evil mission.
Going to go now, but just remember... kids! Don't do magic(k)! Current Mood: chipper
|Friday, January 17th, 2003|
|Why do these things happen to me? It isn't even Tuesday
My Harbinger research group are acting v. strangely. Lots of chanting going on, but so far no actual locating getting done. Also we seem to have acquired literally thousands of candles.
The Bringers seem to be enjoying this spell business a little too much. Suspicious amount of giggling and falling over going on, and if any of them had pupils, almost certain they'd be dilated. Will look into this myself.
Magic is addictive?
Did I miss a memo?!
Well, this is peachy. With a Slayer line to wipe out, I have to ship half my Harbingers to the Betty Ford clinic (Mrs. Ford most helpful in getting last-minute cancellations: must remember to try the "morphing into dead president" routine in future emergencies). Tried the local help groups, but Spellcasters Anonymous could only provide a semi-sympathetic nod and a "So Your Minion's a Junkie" pamphlet. And while I was reading it, the little spell-heads knocked off a store downtown. Not against armed robbery per se - all evil is good evil, after all, except where Regis Philbin involved - but holding up the Little Shop of Herbers and stealing all the sage is embarrassingly lame for henchbeings of ultimate evil.
Will be glad to get them into the clinic. They've gone through eight hundred and thirty bottles of mineral water in the last three hours. At first, suspected they were trying to look trendy and health-conscious, but now getting quite worried. Really can't afford all that bottled water.
Probably no update tomorrow, since as their employer I have to attend group therapy with them. Evil used to be so much easier. Current Mood: aggravated
|Thursday, January 16th, 2003|
and pals seem to be working to locate undiscovered potential pains-in-my-incorporeal-ass, have decided on preemptive strike. To this end, minions and I have been trying to find these naive young things before they can be cruelly turned to the side of all that is good and pure.
Evil plan a) Small group of (semi-)competent Bringers given braille copies of "Dummies Guide to Magick, Scrying, Divining and Necromancy", researching spells to locate SNITs (Slayers Not in Training)
b) less-competent Harbingers sent to airport and bus station with large "follow us to Buffy Summers!" signs (though maybe should not be killing off the stupid ones first, as could be inadvertently helping the Slayer line through picking off the weak? Damn you, Charles Darwin!)
c) sent the following email to every address we could get our hands on (spam a truly beautiful thing, glad I invented it):
>ATTN: Big cash prize!
>- aged 14 - 21(ish)?
>- have noticed signs of superior strength, such as the breaking of doorknobs and/or accidental homicide of those close to you?
>You could win a HUGE CASH PRIZE!
>Simply reply to this e-mail with your name and address and one of our representatives - wearing our firm's traditional black hood-and-robe uniform - will deliver your fabulous prize!
>Definitely Not Evil, Inc
What? Works for Evil-Doers' Digest. Still waiting for those 10,000 freshly-sacrificed virgins they keep claiming I've won in their prize draw.
Edited to add: Seems to be some debate over whether SITs have a scaled-down version of Slayer powers or not. While it would appear not, even the Creator himself is often unclear on such things, so why leave it to chance? We're going by the theory that with the Harbingers working the planes, buses and magic(k) angles, we may as well cover all our bases.
Also, taking out any super-powered human girls who may be wandering around can be no bad thing for the evil side (ie: me). And if that spy-girl with the odd colored hair from TV shows her face around here, my Harbingers are instructed to deliver instant smackdown. Current Mood: working
|Wednesday, January 15th, 2003|
|Life, love and a hideous painful death to the Slayer
Still eagerly awaiting the howls of agony from LA when the Broodmeister opens our little care package. Flushed with success, spent most of today recording optional in-character commentaries for the Spike Sexcam DVD, with possible view to commercial release. Post-shuffling off this mortal coil, perhaps have bright future in the adult entertainment industry? Today's evil must always be looking to the future & considering what's to come after
the apocalypse. Am considering writing demon dating guide with vital info such as number and position of genitalia on various breeds, races who never call in the morning, and list of demonic species who are obsessed with sex.
Actually very few demons obsessed with sex - tend to be more slaughter-and-destruction orientated (good, good) - though once dated an Ala'Ne demon who was obsessed with socks. Strange race.
Cannot hide it any longer - all this talk of relationships is because Lloyd sent another e-mail, asking me to RSVP party invitation. What to do? He seems genuine, but have always put mayhem-causing before my romantic life. Also, age difference could be insurmountable - he is a mere three thousand, while I am ageless and came into being with the first living creature (though have been told I look very well preserved).
No, must focus on important things: continuing to train the Harbingers so we can take out the Slayer and the junior Slayer wannabes once and for all.
Maybe could take just one night off for the party, though. Yes? Yes. Current Mood: confused
|Tuesday, January 14th, 2003|
|Learning from past mistakes
Surprised Slayer hasn't moved against me by now. Thought she was going to give me an apocalypse? Obviously too busy debating Spike's hair
or such to be concerned about impending destruction of planet (and possibly rest of this dimension, depending how much badly-accented SITs piss me off before May.)
This slack period being put to good use - training new Harbingers (useless bunch, keep accidentally stabbing each other, holding daggers the wrong way round etc), practising my morphing (Drusilla imitation improving, I feel), catching up on Joe Millionaire and analysing past Sunnydale Big Bads. Though of course am Biggest bad of all, cannot hurt to study the mistakes of more inferior villains.
The Master: Excellent. Killed Slayer. Opened Hellmouth. Superb evil laugh.
Fatal Flaw: Not making sure she stayed dead. Also poor dental hygiene.
Lesson to be learned: however useless your minions, have one on standby to deal with inconvenient body disposal and/or any proto-carpenters who happen by and try to revive your deceased nemesis.
Angelus: Personal favorite. Mental torture his forte - lots of style.
Fatal Flaw: Quite out of his control, was resouled at last minute by conniving witch (trying to get rid of the competition even then, eh?) Sadly became brooding alter-ego. Brought back from hell by myself, though in retrospect probably not my best idea.
Lesson to be learned: remember the old saying - keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and if you've taunted a sidekick over screwing his significant other, don't let him get behind you with a crowbar.
The Mayor: Understood the importance of solid management structure, vital to evil plots/schemes.
Fatal Flaw: Even as giant demon snake, not immune to dynamite.
Lesson learned: be incorporeal. Check!
Would have continued, but got distracted by what a lame villain that Frankenstein-like thing three years ago was. Cheered self up by compiling "X-Rated Tales from the Crypt" DVD from those surveillance camera tapes Andrew had stashed away - have sent Dave the Harbinger to fed-Ex it to LA. Definitely won't give Angel moment of perfect happiness, but may cause him to go Angelus in furious manner of Incredible Hulk? (Warren's comic knowledge v. informative, if detrimental to social life.) And even if doesn't work, could use a chuckle.
|Monday, January 13th, 2003|
Damn postal service. After having Spike nicely chained up in my lair for x number of weeks, the Passions Fan Club kit only arrives after the Slayer rescues him. Was sure the promise of the "Timmy, We Hardly Knew Ye" fanzine would be enough to bring him back to the welcoming (if incorporeal) arms of evil.
Would have tried popping over to White-hat Central to taunt him with it, but during my sojourn as Southern Belle Slayerette discovered that they have a new secret weapon: pseudo-English SIT, apparently bastard offspring of Mary Poppins and Dick Van Dyke's chimney sweep. Is it any wonder my own accent was off? Was suffering terrible migraine. Now understand why Darius the Harbinger hacked off his own head instead of killing her in London - had previously put it down to clumsiness. Can't possibly move against the Superfriends until we find enough earplugs for all the Bringers.
Still, Passions kit not completely wasted, as now have Timmy avatar. Current Mood: annoyed
|Sunday, January 12th, 2003|
|A thought occurs
Rather than dicky about with Turok-Han, souled vampires and haunting the Slayer's friends, why don't I -
- find the nearest large military base
- get my Bringers to kill the highest ranking officer
- assume his form
- and nuke Sunnydale from orbit?
No, far too obvious. Current Mood: pondering
|Evil speech - first draft
Still needs a little work, but I think I have the basics down.My evil speech
I'm something you can't conceive. The First Evil. Beyond sin, beyond death. You won't see me, but I'm always there. You can't defeat me. I'm all around you, all the time.
When you lose your keys, despite the fact you only put them down a second ago... I'm there.
When those stubborn last few Pringles refuse to leave the can... I'm there.
When that song you really hate gets stuck in your head for a week until you're ready to go postal on the world's ass... yep, that's me too.
When your favorite television show is pre-empted to show 22 grown men chundering around a field after an oddly-shaped ball... I sit back and laugh.
When you race from the shower to answer the phone, only to find it's a telemarketer... it's probably one of my minions on the other end.
You can't conceive of how evil I am. I invented microwave dinners. Voicemail. The org chart. American Idol. Every day my beautiful evil work spreads throughout the world, and no Slayer can stop me, no matter how many souled vampires and miscellaneously superpowered chums she has on her side.
And say you win... would you want the First Good to tip the balance? We're talking wall-to-wall Seventh Heaven reruns here.
Give in. Embrace the evil. Because my team's more fun
, dammit. Current Mood: devious
|Saturday, January 11th, 2003|
No update yesterday - in a fit of pique when my Harbinger typed the password wrong again I may have slightly, accidentally, knocked out the whole network.
Still, gave me time to perfect my evil white-hat-morale-crushing speech, as vital a part of a Big Bad's plan as the evil laugh and the evil minions. Speech is quite long, so will potentially need to tie the Slayer up for her to listen to it. If only Ubie were still around, he would enjoy that. No, must stop thinking about him! Only way to get over the grief. Tried taking his form, but those leather pants chafe so. No wonder he growled so much. Maybe also why Angelus is so deliciously evil? He seems to enjoy it, though. Obviously got lonely without Spike around.
Received lovely poem via email from someone called <mailto:email@example.com>Margaret</a>. Very touching tribute to my Turok-Han."Dust they art, to dust returning,"
Evil lasts, but undeath’s fleeting.
And the grave must take it’s tolls,
Dark the fates of evil’s vampires,
Suffering when they’re given souls,
Sent to battle on the Hellmouth,
Listening to a Slayer's quips,
In the town of Sunnydale,
Where vampire choice is stake or chips,
As your fellow Dark Lords tell you,
Evil minions come and go,
Like dust on the winds of winter
Feel the grief – and let it go.
Much better than Spike's poetry, which defies all laws of man and nature.
Also have found that Wacky Witchy Willow
has a journal too. Bet she's trying to get a head start on the Evil of 2003 competition, if she's not too busy ogling the verging-on-jailbait piece of SIT crumpet she has stashed away in her bedroom. She probably doesn't even have an evil speech.